Exeter Gardens

header image
twitter facebook

{Tub-Jacked: The Epic of the Raptured Tub}

Posted on May 17th, 2012

Lo but a week or so ago, a crack team of lovely ladies from the Jewish Museum of Maryland and your humble correspondent embarked on Operation Bathtub – an epic endeavor of Herculean-proportions and military-style precision to move a 500-pound cast-iron, claw-toed tub from the storeroom of the Jewish Museum to the pristine, cement-laden site of Exeter Gardens.

Herculean, yes. And as it turns out Sisyphean….

Our goal was to make the tub Exeter Gardens’ first planter for growing fruits and vegetables, and so we cajoled a piano-mover into lending us a contraption that bore a not inconsiderable resemblance to a medieval torture device. Laying hold of the tub with many hands, we flipped, clamped, winched, and strapped, trundling our hog-tied iron beast through the streets of Jonestown with relative ease.

Until we got half-way up the ramp at Exeter Gardens that is, at which point the support beams cracked, the contraption buckled and a desperate struggle ensued to wrestle the tub to even ground. With one great heave, we pushed over the top, collapsing in a heap as the wheels crunched to a halt, our eyes squinched shut as we braced for a horrific crack or thud, until finally we dared to peak…

There stood our bathtub, pale but proud amidst the panting and cursing.

Oh what schemes there were then, such schemes. We would Christen this first planter whose shape was so reminiscent of a proud ship with a champagne bottle smashed against its side…

…or perhaps “Jew-en” it with a bottle of Manischewitz. (There’s a mikvah joke here somewhere, I know it.) Or, perhaps more appropriately, we would smash a seed grenade against its side…

or smash it underfoot to mark the union of tub to project…

…and then plant the seeds in the tub.

We went sweetly to our slumber, dreaming of all the wonderous things we might grow…

…Only to wake in the morning to discover …

…JACKED!

Baltimore, this is why we can’t have nice things!

In a move, worthy of The Wire…

…we were cruelly tubjacked in the space of what we know could only have been a two-hour window, which is pretty impressive and borderline ninja if you think about it, even if the culprits do deserve to be beaten to death with their own shoes. Theories abounded as to whether our tub had been liquidated into refreshing narcotic assets or taken to form part of some yuppie housing refurb (personally, I think I’d prefer the former). There were sighs and snickers from the cynical and jaded, who told us we should have known. They chortled, they snorted, they scoffed and guffawed. BUT you can’t keep a good urban greening project down. So we decided to make a silk purse of a sow’s ear (or Kosher equivalent).

With the mad design skills of our lovely and talented Power-in-Dirt Coordinator Galadriel “Gigi” Rosen, we took a page from all those missing cat and dog posters with the pictures of pussy-cats and pooches, their mournful eyes staring out at you begging to be found and returned like stills from a soul-demolishing Sarah McLachlan animal-cruelty video…

Yes, a missing tub poster. We’d like to think there’ll be a Tell-Tale Tub effect, especially in the city of Poe – preferably the irresistable metallic throb of the stolen tub torturing some yuppie rehabber in their guilty sleep. But we’ll settle for the promotional opportunity this gives us to let people know about the Exeter Gardens project. Hopefully whoever has our tub is at least using it for something worthwhile like tub-sledding, moonshining, or, you know, an improvised planter for an urban farm. But if you do happen to find our tub abandoned, wandering the streets or baying at the light from an upstairs window, let us know and treat it kindly – it likes warm baths and an occasional scratch behind the taps with a nice, soft loofah.

Tags:
« »

About

Variously described as "ChangeMonger-in-Chief," "dreamer and schemer," and "evil genius for good," Hasdai is the founder of ChangingMedia, a digital agency that helps visionary organizations harness the power of new media to create social change. An enthusiastic passport collector, Hasdai became a U.S. citizen on the 4th of July and is a fierce patriot with little to no interest in soccer. He has transformed a derelict lot into a flourishing urban farm as co-founder of Exeter Gardens, and is trying to make textiles sing with the Synesthesia Musical Loom Project. He has been carjacked in Baltimore but still loves it. His goal in life was to be a pirate, but he gets sea-sick.

3 Responses to “Tub-Jacked: The Epic of the Raptured Tub”

  1. Amazing! Delightful writing as always~ Good luck on finding the wee one!

  2. bmorecgrn says:

    Delightful writing as always! May your stray return!

  3. [...] all we need to do is find some way to secure it, so it’s not spirited away by the wind or jacked by unknown forces. Share this:FacebookTwitterEmailPrintLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was [...]